She brought me a fever.

That’s what I realized tonight at dinner. Everyone that I was with was in a relationship, except the birthday girl, who dates pretty frequently anyway. Also, I’ve noticed I’m the only one of my friends who has never been in a serious relationship or had any sort of relationship history. I literally sat there and thought of every single one of friends. I’m the only one, from what I dug up.

Levi and I were talking about a girl that he’s in love with, and I mocked him for wanting to write a love letter to her in French. I felt bad, then apologized by saying I’m really no good at being romantic. I’ve tried and failed. Levi then said this, “Ashley, it’s because you’ve never really met anyone worth romancing.” He knows me too well. I just don’t know if I try hard enough or I really just don’t care. I’m putting myself out there, and I’m not going to try and find it. It’ll find me. 

Until then, it’s really hit me how okay I am with being by myself. I don’t have anyone else to worry about, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of ‘me.’ I’ve got awesome people in my life, starting a new semester at school, still waitressing my life away, and I’m about to turn the big 2-1. Life’s great and I’m not sure if I would have gotten to this point if it were for being anywhere else. I’m just going to live my life without worrying about being with someone or dating someone or even fucking someone. Like I said, it’ll come to me when it’s ready. Till then, I’m okay being alone.

It’s funny to think this time last year was the shittiest I’ve ever felt about you. You told me you didn’t love me anymore, that you didn’t want to speak to me. You told me you had things to deal with, and that you didn’t want to deal with me. I remember laying there aching, listening to ‘White Blank Page’ by Mumford & Sons on repeat forever until I could get up off the bed I had planted myself on. I hurt, I hurt really really bad.

I’m happy that’s not where I am today. I’m happy I’m in a better place, not feeling unwanted anymore. I haven’t had sex in almost a year, but that’s life I guess. Currently single and not pursuing anyone or anything with anyone. I’m in control and I take care of myself. Alone and loving it more than ever.

However, if someone comes along, I hope they’re worth it. I’m open to dating now, which is a great change. Hopefully I can keep that up.

And I’m totally okay with it.

I’m really happy not being in a relationship, but there are times when I come home from a pretty crap night at work, and all I want to do is crawl into someone’s arms and lie there. (sigh)