She brought me a fever.

-Smashley.
-21.
-Ada County.
-I drink a lot.
-I'm happily taken and happy with my life.

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Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor

 

The only person who ever hurts me and I let get to me is the person who brought me onto this Earth.

Funny how things like that work out. =/

Single As Fuck

That’s what I realized tonight at dinner. Everyone that I was with was in a relationship, except the birthday girl, who dates pretty frequently anyway. Also, I’ve noticed I’m the only one of my friends who has never been in a serious relationship or had any sort of relationship history. I literally sat there and thought of every single one of friends. I’m the only one, from what I dug up.

Levi and I were talking about a girl that he’s in love with, and I mocked him for wanting to write a love letter to her in French. I felt bad, then apologized by saying I’m really no good at being romantic. I’ve tried and failed. Levi then said this, “Ashley, it’s because you’ve never really met anyone worth romancing.” He knows me too well. I just don’t know if I try hard enough or I really just don’t care. I’m putting myself out there, and I’m not going to try and find it. It’ll find me. 

Until then, it’s really hit me how okay I am with being by myself. I don’t have anyone else to worry about, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of ‘me.’ I’ve got awesome people in my life, starting a new semester at school, still waitressing my life away, and I’m about to turn the big 2-1. Life’s great and I’m not sure if I would have gotten to this point if it were for being anywhere else. I’m just going to live my life without worrying about being with someone or dating someone or even fucking someone. Like I said, it’ll come to me when it’s ready. Till then, I’m okay being alone.

Shit.

Bad morning, fairly broke currently. I think I passed my math class with an A though, so that’s good. Just waiting for my final grade in Criminal Justice.

I’ve got to break this shit off today. Dwindling you on isn’t fair, nor is talking to you like we’re together. I just don’t know what to say though.

So the same day I post something angry about relationships, I get asked on a date. Like my second real date, ever. What in the fucking fuck is going on with me? Let’s face it, my idea of relationships and love are completely fucked because of falling in love with someone who didn’t live here and I’ll never be with. Plus, this dude is older than anyone I’ve ever sort of been with, considering I’ve never had a real relationship. I’m fucked. And not literally.

So the same day I post something angry about relationships, I get asked on a date. Like my second real date, ever. What in the fucking fuck is going on with me? Let’s face it, my idea of relationships and love are completely fucked because of falling in love with someone who didn’t live here and I’ll never be with. Plus, this dude is older than anyone I’ve ever sort of been with, considering I’ve never had a real relationship.

I’m fucked. And not literally.

This is one of the stupidest fucking this I’ve ever read. How unrealistic. This is why some girls on the internet have unrealistic expectations about relationships. I mean really? You know what happens when you fall in love with someone? You get hurt. People get hurt. You get this sinking feeling in your gut and you lay there hoping and praying to God or whoever is out there it will go away, but it doesn’t. The feeling of being crushed under someone is awful. When you get your heart broken, it hardens you. And that is exactly why I don’t open up. I’m not saying relationships are bad, but don’t expect them to be a fucking fairy tale. It’s hard work when you want someone and you have to try REALLY FUCKING HARD to get past their flaws.

This is one of the stupidest fucking this I’ve ever read. How unrealistic. This is why some girls on the internet have unrealistic expectations about relationships. I mean really? You know what happens when you fall in love with someone? You get hurt. People get hurt. You get this sinking feeling in your gut and you lay there hoping and praying to God or whoever is out there it will go away, but it doesn’t. The feeling of being crushed under someone is awful. When you get your heart broken, it hardens you. And that is exactly why I don’t open up.

I’m not saying relationships are bad, but don’t expect them to be a fucking fairy tale. It’s hard work when you want someone and you have to try REALLY FUCKING HARD to get past their flaws.

Tonight I watched one of my oldest friends get her heart broken. I’ve never seen her so upset. I’ve known her for years, she’s always been tough. She’s been being lied to for a year and a half, all because of religion. He doesn’t want her because of religion. He wants her to be something she’s not.  It made me really sad to watch this.  It also made me realized how actually scared I am of real relationships. I’ve been hurt before, and I don’t want to remember what it’s like to feel like that again. 

I love you, girl. I’m here for you. I’m sorry. <3

Listening to Taylor Swift “Sparks Fly” too much. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Last night you were on my mind. I was so sad. You want to make me so happy, and I can’t let you. It happens. However, you’re still in my life after EVERYTHING. So please stick around, and don’t be dragged off by some other girl who hates me.

I want to see you happy. I’m just sorry I can’t be the reason why.

You know

I’m really happy not being in a relationship, but there are times when I come home from a pretty crap night at work, and all I want to do is crawl into someone’s arms and lie there. (sigh)

I’m pretty sure this is the type of etiquette I have on dates. Talking to Levi, I realized I have been on one date, had no serious relationships, and am not pursuing anyone at this time.

Fine by me because none of those things are important anyway.

Relationships and dating

Are unimportant to me.

There ya go.